The Queer Futures Collective
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Sunday sentiments/

 
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SUNDAY

SENTIMENTS/

#thoughtfeelings

 

Hubble Spies Glowing Galaxies in Massive Cluster. Credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA.

 

 

SUNDAY SENTIMENTS/// is a weekly gesture of rebellion, an offering, a disruption to the present. It is a site to develop a practice to share/exchange radically vulnerable thoughtfeelings and build communal knowledge from it. We believe in the invaluable potential of what we know that is still raw, unpolished, a draft, in the particular search of strategies to inhabit our disabled bodymindspirits with wisdom and kindness.

 

This is an invitation to open genuine conversations about what we–as disabled queer/trans people–long, need, and dream. It is an alternative reality when/where we can create radically vulnerable collaborative knowledge and foster communal intimacy through fragmented memories, flashbacks, presentiments, and ecstatic raptures . 

 

thoughtfeelings

 

"but why did you shave your head?"

By Sav Schlauderaff

this is the three year anniversary of me buzzing off all my hair

And with that, I suppose it’s the anniversary of my partner at the time breaking up with me because my newly shaved head and unshaven armpits were deemed “unattractive” and I unfuckable. Undesirable.


Shaving my head was a way of taking control over my body and what it looks like

Reclaiming it from too many partners who told me what to wear, that I needed to lose weight to gain weight, that I should be more “fill in the blank” around their friends, around their family, around their co-workers. That I needed to answer their call by the third ring. That we could only hang out on their time.


How quickly those first few weeks of fun, and being together for 3 days in a row turn into me desperately trying to make up for something someone else did to me.

Trying to become who they think I am.

Always walking on eggshells


It can become so easy to start to enjoy the instability

To want the fights

A distraction from past trauma

Trauma that is worse than the trauma I could create

The kind of trauma and fights you cry over not being able to forget


I have spent so many years of my life not feeling safe to talk about myself

So many years of people simultaneously interrogating me for their own trauma porn pleasure, and never actually trying to get to know me.

Too many years being the shoulder or lap to cry on. And never being given the time or space to do the same. Too many years of always being the good listener, and being yelled at for not “opening up” enough.


Too many years begging for them to love me

But did I ever really want that? Romantic love?

It’s so exhausting and consuming

And if you don’t give everything you’re apparently hiding secrets or not caring enough or a cheater


I’ve tried to reclaim that space and to set boundaries

To avoid the kinds of people who have hurt me in the past

Tried to re-write the rules, to not get emotionally invested.

But my heart always finds a way to break in the summertime

My body always finds a way to be picked apart, to be abused, to be violated


And what’s the alternative?

I’ve spent the last year avoiding any romantic or sexual interactions

And I’m not sure how much that has helped

Not sure if it has really given me the time and space to try and heal

Sometimes it just feels like I’m pushing everyone away

Because becoming sicker this past year has made me feel even less welcome in my own bodymind

I feel scared of myself

Scared of my pain


And just so fucking tired

Like all of this just never ends

If it isn’t someone else hurting me, it’s my own body hurting me


It can become so easy to think you have your shit together

To think that you’re healing and addressing your trauma and hanging out with your friends and life is fantastic

But bad habits sneak back in and my guard falls down

And then I realize it was all just an illusion anyway. A big lie I told myself

And it’s just so exhausting, especially when you realize there is no willful forgetting or an easy linear trajectory to follow.

You can’t actually protect yourself or predict who you can’t trust

People always feel so entitled to my time, my space, my body, my fucking hair



I just want it all gone.

I wish everything else was this easy.