The Queer Futures Collective
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Sunday sentiments/

 
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SUNDAY

SENTIMENTS/

#thoughtfeelings

 

Hubble Spies Glowing Galaxies in Massive Cluster. Credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA.

 

 

SUNDAY SENTIMENTS/// is a weekly gesture of rebellion, an offering, a disruption to the present. It is a site to develop a practice to share/exchange radically vulnerable thoughtfeelings and build communal knowledge from it. We believe in the invaluable potential of what we know that is still raw, unpolished, a draft, in the particular search of strategies to inhabit our disabled bodymindspirits with wisdom and kindness.

 

This is an invitation to open genuine conversations about what we–as disabled queer/trans people–long, need, and dream. It is an alternative reality when/where we can create radically vulnerable collaborative knowledge and foster communal intimacy through fragmented memories, flashbacks, presentiments, and ecstatic raptures . 

 

thoughtfeelings

 

Let the forest take me and other notes on depression

By Sav Schlauderaff

When I die let the forest take my body.

Let it swallow me whole.

Will the clovers grow between my toes?

Will the ferns hug me tight?

I remember running on small winding deer trails where the ferns lightly brushed our legs.

Remember getting lost in the lush green backdrop, panicked. Surrounded.

I thought I was comfortable in the woods

But they all left me here

I remember coming to a clearing and seeing the trees all in straight lines

rows and rows of pines.

And silence Shhhh

That they were planted there on purpose

A ruse of nature

Like the iron mines turned lakes, too clear to be real

The trees hanging off the red dirt cliffs by the roots, hoping to keep their place

I’m trying to hang on here too


So many long walks along the Mississippi river

Processing

Everything felt too real, too sharp, too vibrant

I pick up a leaf and I’m laughing now

I’m here and I’m not

I’m above me

The leaf is in my hand, I’m humming, I’m feeling.

Tracing the veins like we used to when making imprints on paper

Growing outward to the tips

I’m biking fast around the lakes; never fast enough

I’m biking drunk through the streets

So fast that i’m floating

The warm summer air is surrounding me

I’m

Crying

Always Crying

Will the trees hold my sadness?


Call us if you have any urges to hurt yourself

This may cause mood changes


Something of a memory of a deer frozen to death on a hill.

I remember the woods covered in snow.

So perfect the views would take our breath away

How expansive and comforting

The snow creating silence

So still

The sun makes the icicles slowly melt, making craters in the snow below

And makes the snow banks sparkle

We make it to the top of the hill

We are racing down it now

Faster Faster

So happy we almost forget about the deer on the hill and the danger of the frost

We almost forget about our frozen toes

And how the forest is not only alive

The snow creates silence shhhhh

They tell you to know your body, to be aware of changes.

From numb to burning, itching, searing.

My skin is dancing, muscles aching

My vision is full of flashing lights

Can I pretend they’re stars?

And memories of big open fields, spinning around and around watching the stars swirl together

Star tripping, right?

Next to us is a warm bonfire, the light makes the woods look darker.

Don’t be scared.

Do you think they’re in neat rows?

Where everything has its place?

I’m trying to find mine

Can you recreate a home in your own body after being torn up?

Can I be like the trees in neat rows?

Can I too be filled up with crystal clear water?

No one has to know

I can keep secrets like the trees

I’m driving in the dark blasting regina spektor

The roads are winding and the woods are dark shadows on either side of me

This is how it works

You're young until you're not

You love until you don't

You try until you can't

You laugh until you cry

You cry until you laugh

And everyone must breathe

Until their dying breath

No, this is how it works

You peer inside yourself

You take the things you like

And try to love the things you took

And then you take that love you made

And stick it into some

Someone else's heart

Pumping someone else's blood

And walking arm in arm

You hope it don't get harmed

But even if it does

You'll just do it all again


I want to go faster faster

We’re all laughing

Until we’re not.  

The shadows start to close in, but it’s not time yet.

Call us if you have any urges to hurt yourself

This may cause mood changes


SAV SCHLAUDERAFFComment