The Queer Futures Collective
Trans Knowledge Hub | Thoughtsfeelings| Activist Laboratory

Sunday sentiments/

 
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SUNDAY

SENTIMENTS/

#thoughtfeelings

 

Hubble Spies Glowing Galaxies in Massive Cluster. Credit: ESA/Hubble & NASA.

 

 

SUNDAY SENTIMENTS/// is a weekly gesture of rebellion, an offering, a disruption to the present. It is a site to develop a practice to share/exchange radically vulnerable thoughtfeelings and build communal knowledge from it. We believe in the invaluable potential of what we know that is still raw, unpolished, a draft, in the particular search of strategies to inhabit our disabled bodymindspirits with wisdom and kindness.

 

This is an invitation to open genuine conversations about what we–as disabled queer/trans people–long, need, and dream. It is an alternative reality when/where we can create radically vulnerable collaborative knowledge and foster communal intimacy through fragmented memories, flashbacks, presentiments, and ecstatic raptures . 

 

thoughtfeelings

 

I’m not lying you just aren’t listening.

I don’t like talking about my pain.

It has become habit to make jokes

To downplay

And then return home to constantly google what’s going on

To try and make sense of this hurting body

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because everyone seems to dismiss it

Told me it was “in my head”

But is that not still real?

I don’t like talking about my pain

Because I have experienced too many doctors who seem annoyed

Who seem to busy to listen

It’s just stress

Anxiety

You need more sleep

Are you doing yoga?

But you’re so fit, you can’t feel sick

Is it just your period?


As if

I’m just lying

?


I don’t like talking about my pain

Because i’m already always exhausted

Because I’m afraid of the damage I may have done to my own body

Because it had become normal


I don’t like talking about my pain

Because I don’t want to be an annoyance

It’s chronic

It’s always

So perhaps

I will talk about it more than once

I’m sorry.


I don’t like talking about my pain

Because once I start it just continues

And the doctors stare and stop writing

Like there is a threshold for truth and I’m over the line


I don’t like talking about my pain

And the way it gets conflated with my trauma

The way they look at my chart

Already prepared to just offer a counsellor

Would it be better if I did lie?

Omitted that history

What story do I need to construct for you to listen to me?


And no, I don’t want to talk about trauma

And the way my being has continually been broken

Because you didn’t listen then either

Offered medication before I was even finished

Rattled off some diagnoses

And you’re just not listening


I don’t like talking about my pain

Because i’m tired of mediating people’s shock


I don’t like talking about my pain

Because maybe it is better than those years of nothing

At least I can feel present


I’m sorry for the neglect

But please don’t yell at me now


My base level is an 8

And I’m tired of crying

The truth is I have intrusive thoughts about dying constantly

And

I truly can’t see me making it past 30

Not with all this pain

And when I’m honest like that it makes people scared, and worried, and all overcrowding and too much noise and just

stop.

I’m tired of having to prove or validate myself

Can’t you see I’m tired

Can’t you see i don’t have time to lie

I’m in pain

I’m in pain and I don’t know what to do

Can you just listen?


Image of sav laying on their side in a white tank top with words of the poem printed over their face in black

Image of sav laying on their side in a white tank top with words of the poem printed over their face in black

Image of pomegranate trees taken by sav with words from the poem written over them in white

Image of pomegranate trees taken by sav with words from the poem written over them in white

Image of sav laying on their side in a white tank top with words of the poem printed over their face in black

Image of sav laying on their side in a white tank top with words of the poem printed over their face in black