By Sav Schlauderaff
August 12, 2018 4:21pm// Some hipster coffee shop in Tucson
August 13, 2018 7:21 pm// my kitchen table
On new beginnings and building a new home.
Or, what does It feel like to be present?
This week I start my doctoral program.
So many people leading up to this have asked me if I feel excited or nervous or whatever other emotions are associated with big life events. But I can’t help but feel like I have been lacking emotion, as if I am unable to truly feel these things, and I feel like I should be feeling these things. And should I fake it? Because it has appeared to make people uncomfortable when I’m honest “it’s just hard for me to ever really feel excited about things.” Is that bad? Or abnormal?
I know I feel sad.
That is an emotion I can feel.
And I’m working at feeling present in my location.
I think I like it here. I like the mountains and how small they make me feel. I like the cactuses. I like the weight of the air as I am biking. It’s good.
I just feel hesitant.
I feel hesitant because I put too much emphasis on my last move, I though getting out of my “home” state with all that trauma and bad memories and pain would make me better.
And in many ways it did, I found my family, I found my job purpose, I felt like I could be myself. I felt comfortable.
But with that also came the ability to FEEL. To feel the sadness after my body’s defense mechanisms to numb the Bad Things.
And then more Bad Things happened. And they hurt more.
August 14, 2018 11:04am// a park near campus
August 14, 2018 12:01pm// a cafe somewhere in tucson
How do you heal when you already felt you were in the process of healing? How do you come to terms with the fact that you are not doing as well as you are putting out to the world?
What are the detriments of being vulnerable and open and honest?
This is why I am a bit skeptical starting in a new city, starting over when I felt like I had just built this amazing community around me.
How do you rebuild queer family magic? Or at least how can I transport it/ tap into it/ feel it from hundreds or thousands of miles away? What does transnational love and friendship look like?
Is it skype calls and sharing memes? Can we be just as vulnerable if the feelings are transmitted through technology?